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September 2001

Limavady Death Traps

This is the first in a series of occasional articles highlighting some of the more sporting places in our interesting town. Places which - if you survive them - give you a hightened awareness of being alive and the kind of thrill one only gets when escaping mortal danger in just the nick of time.

Some lucky participants might even win a free trip to Germany or France. This of course depends on the severity of the injuries and the length of the waiting lists for the local hospitals.

The honour of being first must go to the Northern Bank and the wickedly disguised exit from their car park.

Where is the exit? The exit from the Northern Bank Car Park
This one is a classic!

Notice how it has been contrived that the exit is totally invisible. The sporting pedestrian has the opportunity to be only inches away from the exit (and death) and yet not suspect a single thing. This not only heightens the surprise and thrill when the inevitable car shoots out at high speed, but also the maximum altitude of the desperate jump necessary to escape with one's life.

The planners are to be congratulated for designing such a perfectly disguised trap. We award them only 80 out of 100, because some of the tyre tracks are visible on the footpath.

This is the view from the driver's side. Notice the clever arrangement. The dazzled driver heads from the dark into bright light and can see as little of the daring pedestrian as that poor devil can see of the driver.

Many organisations would have tried to reduce the possible speed of the impact by building a ramp or providing large lit up warning signs. Not in this place! Everything is left just as nature intended. The editor of this paper has had a narrow escape himself and can vouch for the quality of the thrill experienced. Three other people known to us are in perfect agreement with this. How many others are there? We award full points. 100 out of 100.

The way out
Traffic Wardens
It appears that the police are thinking of introducing traffic wardens in town. For those not familiar with this charming institution: traffic wardens are people equipped with a uniform, a note book and a pencil, who are sent out to enforce the parking rules, annoy the drivers and enrich the authorities by levying extortionate fines.

If the right people are hired for the job, they are in for a very life-enriching experience. Being a conscientious traffic warden in Limavady must be like being a little boy in a chocolate factory when everyone is out at the dentist's!

Traffic in Katherine Street

One can't even see the double yellow lines.
A rainy Country Park The Weather

We have been having rather a lot of this just recently. Highly liquid rain, violent storms, brilliant sunshine, even some hail: it must be Autumn. Where has the Summer gone, if indeed we had one of those?

The point is made by our scenic photograph on the left: the Roe in a rain storm. Even the anglers stayed out of sight and the only person to be seen was a lone, rather idiotic looking dog walker clinging to a black umbrella in one hand, brandishing a digital camera with the other whilst walking a rather surprised looking border collie.


Limavady mourns the American Victims  

Few people in the Roe Valley have not been touched by the terrible news from New York and Washington. Many people here have relatives in America and others know only too well what the relatives of the victims must be going through at the moment.

Today, the 14th of September at 11 0'clock, in common with most of the rest of Europe, a three minute silence was observed in honour of the victims of the terrorist attacks in America.

This writer was in a large supermarket at the time. At eleven o'clock a solemn announcement was made, the music stopped and all the shoppers and shop assistants stood silent for three sad minutes. Our sympathies are with all those affected by this dreadful disaster.

The flag on half mast

The flag at half mast outside the council offices today


A Grand Clean-out

The gambling Emporium in Catherine Street has changed dramatically. Gone are the double doors and vision proof windows and all is now revealed. In fact, the place looks a mess.

There are currently two theories as to why this might have happened:

  • Someone has won so much money that they have had to sell the furniture to cover the bet.
  • They have made so much money that they can afford to refurbish the place.

We leave the answer to the imagination of our readers.

The bookie's
A red dog bin Where have all the dog bins gone?

The dog bins that used to adorn the Country Park have suddenly disappeared - posts and all. There used to be red ones and green ones, presumably for use by dogs of those colours. This was obviously an assignment for our news hound Tudor, and we sent him out to have a sniff around.

His report was inconclusive but he suggests three possible reasons for the sudden removal of the bins:

  • The park management has found out that they had no right to put the bins there in the first place.
  • People filled the bins with un-approved ordinary rubish.
  • Nobody wanted to empty the bins - especially the red ones.
Tudor concluded his report by suggesting that any replacement bins should be much closer to the ground. He stated that most dogs couldn't make use of the old ones without some sort of stool!


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Limavady signpost with a collie

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